Senators Vote to Rescind Their Health Care

The United States Senate voted unanimously today to strip itself of all its medical benefits. "We want to have the same health care as ordinary Americans,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R). "We have to put our skin in the game,” said Senator Charles Schumer, New York (D), "otherwise, what incentive do we have to make the system work for everybody?" Why this sudden change of direction in a body that has never been known to shun privilege? “For the sake of appearances and good government,” said Senator Lindsay Graham, South Carolina (R), “We cannot afford to let our subjects—sorry, our citizens—get the impression that we imagine ourselves on an altogether more exalted level of existence than theirs, that we feel the rules are for them, mere mortals, rather than for gods like us. That would be political suicide. It might even stoke the fires of revolution. We feel that these few concessions, minimal as they are, will satisfy the diligent and calm the rabble.”

Tomorrow the esteemed deliberative body will vote on Republican Senator John McCain’s American Hero Act which proposes that every member of the Judicial, the Legislative, and the Executive branch be required to send his or her children to the front lines in the event of any military intervention. "Who knows?" joked the Arizona Republican. "Next week we might make it mandatory to send our kids to public schools." “Don’t give away the store,” said Senator Orrin Hatch, Utah, (R).